Nat Locke: how do people who have to drive at peak hour retain the will to live?

This week there was a dull uproar when the Australian men’s soccer team was delayed in traffic on their way to their World Cup qualifying match in Saitama, Japan.

There was some sort of horrific accident on the freeway which saw the Socceroos stuck in traffic for more than two hours, leaving them just 28 minutes to warm up ahead of the big game. For what it’s worth, the Japanese delegation requested that the start of the match be pushed back, but whoever was in charge said “Nah” (but in Japanese, presumably).

Luckily, the result was a one-all draw, or an international incident may have ensued. Hopefully the Aussies can put them away in the return leg.

But it did get me thinking about traffic delays and how painful they can be.

As someone who drives to work in the wee hours of the morning, I am rarely exposed to traffic snarls. In fact, I have such a clear run down Stirling Highway that I am slightly miffed if a traffic light that is normally green happens to be red when I arrive. How dare someone else be approaching this intersection at the same time that I am?

Then when I’m going home from work, once again along Stirling Highway, it’s midmorning and while there are a few more cars on the road than at 4.45am, it’s free flowing and without drama.

So, it comes as quite a shock to me if I ever have to contend with peak hour traffic. Whenever I visit my hairdresser, I’m required to drive home via the freeway and battle through the absolute debacle that is that section between Vincent Street and Mill Point Road any time after 2pm. The fact that cars in the left lane are trying to merge right into a line of stationary cars, while others are trying to merge left to exit near the Convention Centre results in a significant fiasco.

There is nothing quite so soul sapping as sitting in a traffic jam, inching forward every minute or so and watching as Hilux drivers blithely swerve from lane to lane with complete disregard.

And then I remind myself that there are people who have to do this twice a day, EVERY DAY, and I don’t know how they still have the will to live. Sure, you get the opportunity to churn through several podcast episodes, but on the flip side, you have to put up with other drivers being around you. And they are the worst.

I mean, sure, they’re just other people like you and me, but for some reason I’m always surrounded by the ones who choose to sit millimetres from my rear bumper, or who attempt to merge into my lane without either indicating or noticing that there is no actual space for them to pull into. Those people need to be aware that I am listening to true crime podcasts and getting a lot of ideas about how to bump them off.

No, I’d rather take a different path. Clearly it points to something deeply psychological, but I would rather spend exactly the same amount of time in the car, but drive a longer way around and be constantly moving. I realise it doesn’t make any logical sense, but give me motion any day.

Of course, that’s not always the option. Sometimes, like the Australian men’s soccer team, you’re stuck in a situation that you cannot escape from. This isn’t just regular busy traffic. This is some sort of catastrophic situation where there are road closures or diversions, or the whole road has washed away. That sort of thing.

When those catastrophes happen, and you’re stuck in the middle of it, and even if you don’t have an international soccer match to get to, you just feel so useless. You literally have to submit to the situation, because there is nothing you can do to change it.

The only upside to those situations is that you will tell the story about it forever. I have friends who took 11 hours to get home from down south because bushfires had closed the Forrest Highway. Another friend had to sleep at the office when a burst water main closed the Kwinana Freeway in 2005.

And all those people who missed the start (or all) of the Robbie Williams concert at Nikola Estate last year, just because nobody seemed to predict that a whole heap of cars might head in the general direction of Nikola Estate on a Thursday night. Ahh, yes. There’s nothing quite like a fun traffic anecdote.

If you are ever caught in one of these situations, it’s worth knowing that in 2010, in China, there was a 100km traffic jam that was completely gridlocked for — wait for it — TWELVE DAYS.

I’ll remember that next time I encounter a red light at Eric Street at 4:45am.