opinion
Andrew Leech: Why we should cut kids and dads some slack

As a GP, a big part of my work involves supporting children, teenagers, and their families. It’s a privilege. We get to see family life from all angles — the highs, the struggles, the milestones, and the meltdowns. Becoming a father myself has deepened that understanding. It’s layered. It’s complex. And it’s made me think more about something that often goes unsaid: where are all the dads? In my clinic, if I’m reviewing a child or teenager, they mostly come in with their mums during the week. It’s often just how schedules fall, with many dads working full-time or FIFO. But when I do see dads — especially on weekends — I hear a different perspective. It’s really great to hear their perspective and to be able to update them on what we are doing. It’s important they feel included and involved and I try my best to help with this. Despite the evolving landscape of equality and changing roles of family members compared to previous generations, many families still follow traditional parenting dynamics such as mum taking care of the day-to-day, dad working outside the home. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, it often means dads miss key opportunities to connect, especially when things get hard. While I refer often to “mum and dad,” I acknowledge not every family looks this way. Many children are raised in families with two mums, two dads, a single parent, or in blended households. This article focuses on dads because they are the group I most often notice missing from these conversations — but the heart of this message applies to anyone in a parental, father or grandfather-figure role. When I speak with kids and teens, I often ask about their dads to find out how they are going. The responses can be mixed. Some say, “I wish I could talk to him more,” or “He is always angry at me.” Others say, “I want him to be proud of me, but I’m scared of disappointing him.” It’s clear to me that kids don’t need perfect fathers — they need present ones. They want to hear: “I’m here for you”, “We’ll figure this out” or “ I’m not perfect, but I care.” That kind of connection doesn’t come from control or perfection. It comes from honesty, vulnerability, and showing up — even when it’s hard. Many dads grew up in homes where discipline was rigid, affection was rare, and emotions were buried. Some find it incredibly difficult to say “I love you,” or to show warmth because they never saw it growing up. Maybe you were told to toughen up. Maybe no one asked how you were feeling. Maybe you were smacked with a wooden spoon. But through years of research and experience, we now know good mental health starts with connection. That rough-and-tumble play when they’re young, those camping trips where you sit by a campfire and look at the sky, kicking a footy, reading stories, playing board games, or even sitting beside them while they do homework — these moments create emotional safety and long-term connection. And to be clear — this isn’t about becoming overly soft or sentimental. I’m not suggesting all dads need to start crying during Pixar movies, shave off their beards, or stop watching footy because they get angry at the TV. Far from it. Being a dad means teaching values too and some of these come from your own culture, your own background and interests or those important values of respect, accountability, learning right from wrong. There are moments when we need to be firm and have boundaries, to help our kids learn from poor choices. But how we deliver those lessons matters. When your child hits adolescence, there will be mistakes — underage drinking, poor friendship choices, failed tests, slamming doors and storming out. That’s developmentally normal. Why? Because the part of their brain that helps with reasoning and judgment (the frontal cortex) is still developing, while the impulsive, risk-taking parts are firing on all cylinders. Add the constant presence of social media and online messaging, and the pressure is nonstop. You’ll get triggered. You might shout, slam doors of your own, or go cold and silent. That’s normal too. But when things settle, stop holding a grudge. You’re the adult and meant to be their role model, you need to come back to them. Say something like: “I didn’t handle that well, and I got upset. But I’m still here. Let’s work through this.” That’s the kind of father your child can trust when they feel ashamed, anxious, or scared. When I ask teens what they need from their parents, their answers are more simple than what I expected: “Please don’t yell at me when I mess up.” “Understand what I’m going through.” “Just be there when I need you.” One patient recently said: “Just be part of my team.” I loved that. It means walking beside them — not doing everything for them, not rescuing them from every fall — but being close enough to help, and safe enough for them to return to when they’re ready. One thing I’ve found hard over the years is when a dad is reluctant to accept that their child has a mental health issue like anxiety, depression, or is needing an assessment for ADHD or autism for example or needs medication. Sometimes I’ll suggest these opinions to a teen and their mum, only to hear, “There’s no way Dad will go along with that.” And I’ll say, “Then he needs to be part of the conversation.” There’s no benefit in rejecting something you’ve never heard explained. Saying, “I don’t believe in ADHD” or “We never had depression in my day,” doesn’t make it any less real. Worse, it fails to validate what is going on for your child. There has to be an opportunity to discuss the pros and cons of helping and reaching a plan versus leaving things and waiting. But ignoring it altogether because of a pre-existing belief can be devastating. There is also a risk that this will delay treatment that could be life-changing for your child. We aren’t out to make life harder for anyone or put unnecessary labels onto young people if it doesn’t help. All we want to do is help and work with you as a team. One of the hardest parts of my job is listening to some of these stories from kids or teenagers and recognising that the dad might be struggling with his own mental health but is in denial or feels too ashamed to seek help. If you’re snapping more than usual, zoning out, drinking more, or staying late at work to avoid home, it might be time to check in. Depression and anxiety are just as real as diabetes or high blood pressure. And asking for help isn’t weakness, it’s actually a strength because it shows you can sense things aren’t right and you want to find out more about what could help. I also know there’s always two sides to a story and what we might hear in a consultation can be exaggerated or not exactly how things play out in reality. This is even more reason why I like the idea of a family-based approach where everyone has a chance to be involved but then we can also chat about how to support each person independently. Dads who are developing their own depression (which is different in everyone and can sometimes be more anger outbursts and poor sleep), or who are lashing out and erratic, or who become isolated and withdrawn, and a diagnosis is made — then medication can be an absolute game changer. And no it is not addictive, it is important to treat the chemicals that are not operating at normal levels. These chemicals are depleted because of stress, trauma, genetics, substance use. Medication brings you back to baseline so you can then start seeing a psychologist who will give you the tools and help you see everyone’s perspective while giving you ideas on how to express your own. I’ve seen simple changes make a difference — swimming, walking, bike riding, meditating, sleeping earlier, turning off TV, reading more, going out with a friend. Men’s mental health treatment is highly rewarding because I get the feedback from families that: “He’s so much calmer.” “We’ve got our dad back.” If any of this rings true, it’s time to change things. This is not to say it’s a walk in the park. It’s not, it will take courage and some deep diving into who you are as a person and perhaps see things from others perspectives, even when you might be in disagreement. But there’s no point going through long-term pain and suffering in a family when there’s a potential that things can be better and you can all be happier. Our kids don’t need us to be perfect. They just need us to try. Dr Andrew Leech is the director of The Garden Family Medical Clinic in Murdoch and Piara Waters.

opinionAndrew Leech: Why we should cut kids and dads some slack

opinion
Andrew Leech: Why we should cut kids and dads some slack