Kate Emery: Mum shaming is bigger than celebrities posting about partying on social media, and it has to stop

Did you hear what singer Nick Jonas did after he became a dad for the first time this year? Perhaps you read about what Kit Harrington — Jon Snow to you and me — got up to on a night out after having his first child with fellow Game of Thrones star, Rose Leslie? Of course you didn’t because Jonas and Harrington are new dads. They’re not mums. Dads tend to get celebrated for showing up to the birth, awarded a medal for taking their kid out by themselves and have a small but tasteful statue erected in their honour should they handle 50 per cent of the newborn night wakings. Mums, meanwhile, are more liable to get side-eyed if they order a coffee while pregnant, judged for using pain relief as they attempt to squeeze a rockmelon out of a keyhole and criticised either for not breastfeeding or for getting their boobs out in public if they do. Or does it just feel that way? Rebel Wilson, Aussie actress and new mother to daughter Royce, recently attended a party to celebrate Paris Hilton’s new virtual world in Mark Zuckerberg’s metaverse, which apparently is a real thing that is happening and not a fever dream. I know this because Wilson posted photos and videos on her Instagram. The post was deleted after numpties with a surplus of time and a deficit of compassion had a swipe at Wilson for failing to commit herself to house arrest so soon after the birth of her daughter, who was born via surrogate. “I sure as heck wouldn’t have left my newborn to go partying the week she was born! Whether I had birthed her myself or not is irrelevant!” said one, who has definitely never been invited to celebrate Paris Hilton’s imaginary world. “Ummm, sorry?!? Didn’t you get given a baby this week? So confused right now. This is the most important time to bond with your baby, not party,” said another, classily making having a baby by surrogate sound a bit like Christmas morning. Breaking news: people on social media are awful. This in itself wouldn’t be newsworthy, except that mum shaming is bigger than Wilson and bigger than celebrities on social media — the celeb examples are just the ones we see. When Pretty Little Liars actor Shay Mitchell went to a party soon after the birth of her child, this is the response she got from one stranger on the internet: “Mother of the year award right here!!!! As if you seriously could leave your baby to go party?!!! I hope the child’s aid looks into this and your abilities to be a good parent cause damn!!!” Hilary Duff was accused of “child abuse” when the Younger star shared a photo of her eight-month-old with pierced ears, while Halle Berry was repeatedly told she must be “embarrassed” by her children because why else would she choose to obscure their faces on social media. Even kissing your baby isn’t immune to criticism, as Gabrielle Union learned when she was informed that kissing her baby on the lips was unhealthy. (Raging against strangers on the internet, though? Definitely the sign of a healthy mind.) Actress Ashley Graham learned the hard way that breastfeeding in public isn’t about feeding your child but displaying “a lack of modesty”. “Put a blanket of some kind on to conceal your breasts, so the majority of people don’t have to feel uncomfortable seeing a half-naked woman in public,” wrote one idiot, failing to understand that the internet only exists because most people love seeing half-naked women. These women all missed the memo that it’s not enough for a mum to love and care for her child. She must also be seen to subjugate herself to motherhood. She must revel in the loss of social life, the sleepless nights, the acceptance that — for breastfeeding mums — their areolas are now basically public property. Mum shaming comes for regular mums too, and many will have felt it as they try to placate a screaming child in the checkout queue, breastfeed at the pub or turn up to a party only to be asked, “who’s looking after the baby?” Michael Leunig offered a masterclass in mum shaming with his 2019 cartoon depicting a mum who failed to notice her baby has fallen out of the pram because she’s on her phone. Leunig, a once charming cartoonist who’s become about as funny as a cavity search, had observed that many new mums spend a lot of time on their phones. Like many who engage in mum shaming he failed to understand the “why” behind the behaviour. He didn’t consider that new mums might be on their phones not because they’re vapid and uncaring but because they’re desperate: desperate for company, for connection, desperate to know if that weird rash needs a doctor or just a smear of nappy cream. They’re desperate to remind friends and employers they still exist, desperate to tell their partner to please God pick up some nappies on the way home, desperate to Google a recipe they can make in the 20 minutes the baby may or may not nap. I can’t say partying with the former star of The Simple Life is my idea of a good night out but every mum needs time to breathe. If Wilson found that time listening to Hilton try to explain the metaverse (“first you need to understand how the blockchain works”), then good on her. That goes for the mum on her phone while pushing a pram around the park, the mum getting her boobs — or a bottle of formula — out in public and the mum who dares to leave her baby at any point between birth and the kid’s 18th birthday.